Money Can’t Buy You Love….



“Hi Peoples!  Poppy here.  The Authorities aren’t looking so I thought I’d give an update on how the human training is going.  


              but they aren’t trained yet.  As anticipated.

First of all, The Authorities are in cahoots with the Medical Profession!–(and I thought those nice ladies at the clinic were my friends….)  

The Authorities put me in a harness and strapped me into the back seat of the van for a trip to see my doctor.  I didn’t know why.  I was feeling just fine.  But…..

They decided I needed an operation.  And something called a microchip implant, too.  Mom said that’s in case I ran off and got lost they could find me.  Silly–I’m not running off!  I’ve already invested 5 months of my short life in training these humans and I sure don’t want to start all over again.    

And then they drugged me up.  

That’s okay, it was fun being loopy for over a week.  Besides, I finally conned The Authorities into letting me get on the couch.  Whenever I wanted to.  So now I do.

Sometimes The Authorities think they can kick me off the couch when they want to sit there.  Well!  I get right back on it next to them.  The Authorities have said something about better discipline….I dunno what that means persactly….

Secondly, they gave me extra doses of peanut butter with my drugs, so that’s nice.  I like peanut butter.  Better than anything else.  ‘Sept human food.  Haven’t succeeded in getting much of that, though.  

The Authorities  really are stingy.

The other day I didn’t feel good at all and so I ran around crazy-like and peed on the rug.  The Authorities didn’t understand and threw me in jail again.  I didn’t feel good and they put me in JAIL!  Totally unfair.  And my attorney was not reachable by phone.  I thought everybody got at least one phone call if they got locked up?  But not me.  Nope.  Wham!  In the slammer, door shut, lights out.  So I went to sleep.

Then the next morning, they hauled me to that Medical place where somebody chased after me whenever I tried to pee–I mean humans really ARE crazy–but after they finally managed to get some, they declared I was sick with an infection, so now I’m back to getting medications with peanut butter!  

Really that isn’t too bad. 

Sept that I was allergic to THAT medication.  Mom gave me a pill and within an hour my eyes were slits, my face had swollen up and I was again running around like a crazy dog.  She threw me in the van–complete with that harness–and we drove to the Medical office AGAIN.  Well, they took one look at me and I was shot!  I mean, come on…..isn’t this punishment without a trial?  I was thrown into jail, and then I was shot all in 24 hours.  But the shot made me better.  And then I got some more pills which were different and some more pain medication.  So I slept for a couple of days.  Now I feel lots better.

Another complaint I have:

The Authorities don’t always pay attention when my food and water bowls go empty.  I don’t know how this happens, but as I’ve always done, I dig loudly in the metal bowl and that gets their attention.  Then the bowls get magically refilled.  But only THEY have access to the source.  This is patently unfair.  The Authorities must, at some point, be put in their place.

I, however, have access to the noise.  This morning they weren’t paying attention to me and the food bowl went empty.  I tried my usual technique, but nothing happened.  So I decided to eat the venetian blinds next to the bowl.  The Authorities came running and voila! the food bowl got filled again.  

I do like to eat, loopy or not.

Finally, let’s have a conversation about this walking business.  Every day I have to take My Dad Authority on a walk.  I don’t know why.  He likes to walk a long, long, long way.  It’s really exhausting.  You’d think he’d want to sit down and rest, but he doesn’t seem to.  

So I do.  Rest that is…..

In fact, lately I’ve just been lying down on the pavement next to the curb.  It’s nicer there than the wet grass.  After I’ve rested up (sometimes people stop their big boxes on wheels and talk to me), I’ll resume taking The Dad Authority for a walk and finally get him home.  I tell you, this man likes to walk!!  I can’t understand why.  He has his own big box on wheels and you’d think he’d want to use it, but he doesn’t.  And when I take him on these walks, we don’t go ANYWHERE.  We just walk in a circle around the block and come home.  


So the other afternoon, The Authorities decided to go to my toy store and get me some new toys and treats  This is because (I overheard The Authorities telling a nice lady there) I got bored and ate The Dad Authority’s glasses the other day.  I didn’t actually EAT them, I just chewed them up into all their parts.  They were fun to chew on.  I did leave the parts on the floor for The Authorities to reassemble, but they threw them all away.  I think they aren’t very good at fixing things.

Last weekend I ate stuffing out of a chair my Mom Authority was taking apart.  I consider it my job to take things apart, but she beat me to it.  I don’t know why she was taking it apart, but she was and the stuffing was there and, well, she wasn’t looking, so I just ate it.

 It was sort of like cotton candy without the taste.  Anyway, I got it down.  But then, of course, it was supposed to come out and when it did The Authorities were alarmed so much they took me back to the Medical place.   Mom Authority said that they already owned one wing of that building and were trying to get another one with me.  I don’t know what that means.

The Lady there was worried about me when she heard I had eaten cotton candy  stuffing.  She weighed me and I’d gained 2 1/2 pounds in about 10 days.  I am very good at growing.  And I don’t think I put on that much weight with the cotton candy!  Anyway, then she took my temperature and I had a fever.  So she told The Authorities to leave me there for a while.

I was afraid I was going to have another surgery, but turns out all they wanted was some of my blood.  It wasn’t very nice of them, but then a bunch of them gave me a tummy rub, so that sort of made up for it all.

My blood work was fine, my fever came down to a reasonable level and The Authorities came to pick me up.  The good part about it all is that they pampered me a lot when I got home.  That’s more like The Authorities should behave.

So then I went to the Pet Store and The Authorities got me new toys to chew and some more treats and a ball and I got to meet a nice lady visiting there who has a very old Royal Standard Poodle–he is 15 years old!  He is ANCIENT.  But she made over me a lot.  I deserved it.

When we got home I got one of the bones to chew which tastes like PEANUT BUTTER!  The Authorities finally got something right!  And while money won’t buy you love, a new peanut-butter flavored Nyla Bone will.

It’s gotten really hot outside and I don’t like to go out much.  So My Jenny

My Jenny

got me a pink swimming pool and it was delivered today.  I like my swimming pool, but only for a short while.  At least My Jenny understands me, even if The Authorities do not.

Here I am in my new swimming pool!

I will continue training The Authorities, but you know, you can only do so much with them.  

They are nice pets, though.



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